How Parents Create Pressure For Their Junior Tennis Players

This article is a part of my email conversation with a tennis parent who asked for help regarding the pressure his son feels in a tennis match.This is the first part which talks more about about how parents uknowingly create pressure for their children and what they can do about it.The second part talks more about how parents can help their junior players overcome the stress of the match which happens regardless of parent's pressure. The link to the second part is at the bottom of this article.Question: My son, who is 9 years old, practices 15-20 hours per week, has been destroying all 10 year olds, and can comfortably compete with 12 year olds, but only in training sessions. During a match though, he is very distressed and cannot play freely.He ends up losing matches that he should have won. More worrying, he doesn't enjoy himself, and I feel very sorry for him as I don't know what to do to help him.Answer: There are two ways you can approach this challenge, but first let's see what happens in a child's mind when he or she plays tennis.If children get no love, they can die. This phenomenon was documented in World War II, when kids died in orphanages that provided adequate food, water and shelter. They lacked nothing but parents and love from the nurses.Every child is deeply connected to their parents, and children can feel minute differences in the love they get. If they stop receiving love, they are in mortal danger.There is almost no chance that your child can survive without you.Although he may not consciously think that you might leave him, he has the unconscious feeling of not being loved (and the danger of being left alone). It creates a lot of stress.This stress shows in a tennis match as an inability to compete.How?To play good tennis, you must take a certain level of risk. You need to play fast, close to the lines and so on. At least that's one way of playing good tennis, and from what I understand from your email, your son is such a player.With a good ratio of winners to errors, he eventually wins practice matches. But when a real match comes, he is afraid to miss, because he KNOWS that he disappoints you with every miss.Why? Because, first, he loves you and doesn't want you to suffer (since he makes you suffer with every miss). Second, he might get less love from you when he misses. (I don't know in your case; I'm just guessing from my experience.)So he must play average tennis to avoid mistakes, and that's not enough against good players who are not under pressure and can go for their shots.What happens next is that he starts believing (seeing it often happen) that he cannot win a match against a player like that.So he thinks, "Why should I try so hard? I am going to lose, no matter what." And he puts less effort into the match.So your son plays at 70% effort against a solid young tennis player who gives 100%, and the result is obvious.So this is just for better understanding what goes on in his head.What can you do?
Work on yourself firstThink about why his mistakes or losses disappoint you so much. Are you too losing something when he loses? Have you mixed your needs with his needs?Why do you need him to win? If it's only for his happiness, fine. If it is to fulfill some unfulfilled desires you have, then these are your needs, not your child's.A typical parent's "problem" that influences their behavior toward young tennis players is lack of attention. (The ego wants attention. This is the need for power, control, being superior and so forth.)If you go to work (or wherever you spend a lot of time, such as with your spouse) and feel that you are not really appreciated, that you don't get enough attention, you will try to get this attention elsewhere.And when you have a champion tennis player, you feel that you deserve credit for his success. And you do.The problem arises with the limelight and all the special attention you get when your son wins a tournament. It becomes addictive and fuels your ego.
Tennis players and parents get extra admiration from lower ranked players and their parents, even when not involved in matches against them. (It's somehow automatic. It's the pecking order of the species still present in our brain.)But tennis results don't say anything about a person or their values.I don't respect or admire highly ranked players or their parents just because of their status. I respect and admire people who have values, who are responsible, and who treat me with respect. Whether they play tennis well or not, I don't care.This is probably because I've seen thousands of tennis players and their parents and realized that they are just people with all the weaknesses and faults that we all have. They are not special or more worthy than someone who doesn't play tennis.A human ego wants more and more and more and more and more and ...I hope you get the point. It's never enough.I've been around tennis kids and parents for the last 15 years.Here's what I think is going on in the big picture:There is a certain weakness in the parent's personality. Let's say wanting too much attention, which comes from not having enough attention when you were a child.Now you seek this attention too strongly, causing pain in those around you. You don't let other people speak; you cannot listen; you degrade other people so that you feel superior (the most common way of doing that is by making fun of people's mistakes, disguising degrading comments as jokes); and so on.The only force that can change your destructive behavior toward others is love. Especially love for your children.So here's what happens: you get a boy or a girl (call it karma, God, the Universe or just statistics), and this child's actions will bring out your weaknesses over and over again.You will have to choose what is more important to you:1. To keep fueling your ego by pushing your child to become a top tennis player so that you get that extra attention - in the process destroying your child's emotions and the relationship between you.2. Or to let go of your needs and let your child journey through life with its ups and downs as everyone else must, making his or her own choices. And to love them unconditionally, win or lose.Here are some thoughts for parents:Your child's loss should in no way be your loss.Your child is not your property. Only your child's genes are yours. Otherwise, he or she is a free person.Your child appreciates your guidance but wants to make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes.Here are some questions to help you become more aware:How do you feel toward a parent whose child was just beaten by your child?If you feel good (you need to be very honest with yourself) and maybe even superior, your ego will want more and more of this good feeling.And your child is the vehicle to getting this ego boost.Think about why you used the words "... has been destroying all 10 year olds."Is this a sign of superiority you feel when your son wins? You could have said "... has been winning comfortably."And how do you feel if your child lost?How do you feel toward your son if he loses?Part II of this article talks about Mental Toughness Of Junior Tennis Players And How Parents Can Help